My life lacks narrative THRUST

And no, that is not a sexual innuendo. That part of my life is just fine, thank you very much. The rest of, however... let's just say that watching as much television as I have has caused me to seriously evaluate my circumstances, leaving me with the following thoughts:

1. Where is my whacky, slutty office sidekick?
2. Am I the whacky, slutty office sidekick?
3. Should I be worried that my place of work does not resemble an industrial loft space?
4. When is my magical makeover from grumpy, frumpy dork to elegant swan in heels and a pencil skirt going to occur?
5. What's with all the eating I have to do to stay alive?
6. Why does my hair not look anything like Zoey Busiek's hair?
7. Wheres MY goddam soundtrack?

And finally:

8. Did I leave my script in my other pants?

Obviously, you share my wonderment at these questions. Because at some stage in your life, you too have experienced the sheer frustration of not living a scripted, well-lit (oh god there's another one...WHY AM I SO BADLY LIT?), perfecty dressed existence. I honestly believed while growing up that one day I would be an adult, and that would mean many pairs of shoes neatly arranged in their boxes with polaroid pictures attached, living in a loft apartment replete with an Eames lounger and perfect skin.
hahahahaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ahem.

Unfortunately, as my nice therapist would probably point out, these are not the real issues. The real issues probably have something to do with the fact that being 24 is effing scary. I don't know about you, but there just seems to be so much LIFE that I have to get through before the Eames lounger and the perfect skin become viable realities. And, oh god, what if they never become viable realities? And what if I stop caring about them? What will I have to hold on to in the night time, when I'm lying snug in my bed with a whole load of ridiculously angsty thoughts roll around in my carefully dishevelled head? Should I be worried that every day I am becoming more and more like a character from Reality Bites? Only less well paid? And not actually acting?

IS IT WRONG TO NARRATE YOUR OWN EXISTENCE AS IF YOU WERE ON A BADLY PRODUCED TV SHOW?