So yesterday I was speaking to my therapist about this and that, as one does, and I mentioned in a somewhat offhand way a strange sensation I experienced sitting on my couch on Saturday afternoon. The experience wasn’t a particularly unusual one, in that I have been having them since I was about seven years old, but on Saturday it was sufficiently intense for me to mention. It started the way it always does, which is with a floating sensation rushing in waves across my body, causing my mind to drift upwards and away from reality, all the while causing reality to seem more real than real. Sounds become slightly distorted, and life seems very far away; my heart starts beating very fast and spikes of adrenalin twinge in my stomach. This normally lasts a minute or two, and it is, in a word, disconcerting. Because I have been struggling with these sensations since I was little, I always assumed that it was just a part of who I was, part of my anxiety and something that would go away with time and experience as I got older. I always thought that if I could just get a hold of myself, dammit, these weird feeling would stop.
When I was finished my story my therapist looked thoughtful for a moment and then asked a few questions, like do I ever see things in the corner of my eyes, or do I ever have mood swings? Yes, yes… so what, right? Well, turns out that I might, might have temporal lobe epilepsy. The minute the words came out of her mouth a rush of relief flooded my body, and I thought ‘oh please god, let this be true’.
Now before anyone accuses me of being a total drama queen and an attention seeking hussy, I should assure you that I am all those things and more. But this has no bearing on why I would want temporal lobe epilepsy. I want to have it because then it means that I am not crazy. It means that when I float out of my body and have panic attacks about reality being more real than real, so real that the atomic vibration of a pea could crush me, so real that it is unreal and unmanageable; it’s not my fault. It’s not because I am mad, or unhinged, or because my grip on life is tenuous at best. It’s just an over stimulated part of my brain, and that, my friends, is GREAT.
Paul and I spoke at length about the possibility of it being TLE, and how that made me feel, and how it could be controlled. I admit that I may be getting slightly ahead of myself here, considering that tests haven’t even been done yet, but it’s amazing how deeply this has already affected me. For the first time in my life the thought that my crazy spells are not my fault is beginning to surface, and that already makes me feel more in control. I have never really admitted to how far reaching the affect these sensations have had. Can you imagine not being able to drive a car because you can’t handle the stress of the stimulus? Or of feeling out of control at a club, not because you are drunk but because there are lights flashing in your eyes and you can’t walk or think straight? And what if, WHAT IF you could take a little pill and it all went away?
That’s why I’m so excited.
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2 comments:
I know the feelign of relief when you can finally attribute what has seemed so indescribable for so long.
How do they conduct the tests for TLE?
I was so glad when a neurologist was able to diagnose me this year a having a benign tremor which isn't much but it helped knowing why my hands shake Continiously, even when not nervous, well rested and eaten etc. It is so small and less of a problem than the TLE symptoms but I did feel like socially inept a times.
Only irritating thing was a mislaid the docs script for two months, somewhere amongst my papers, accidently filed attached to another paper. I searched and searched!!
Best luck.
linda x
Thanks Linda
I just have to go for an EEG, waiting to find a nice neurologist who can do it for cheaper though, so not sure when it will be done.
Ultimately if thats the problem its a pretty small thing to deal with, so that would make me super happy.
WEE!
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